Autonono

What is it with the rash of relative youngsters writing ‘autobiographies’? I’m 36, and while I may not be a celebrity or have a jetsetting life, I know that it would be a rare person my age who could write a decent autobiography. Even someone who’s been kept hostage by aliens in a cave for 5 years - that could be a good book, but it wouldn’t necessarily be an autobiography.

We have the likes of Billie Piper, Jordan and Kerry Katona, none of whom has reached the ripe old age of 30, cluttering up the bookstores with their 'autobiographies' while I can imagine there are scores of older, better writers who are hard pressed to get their work published. David Beckham, Jade Goody and Gary Barlow - what exactly am I meant to take away from their recounting of their lives so far? And that's just the UK. Damn this celebrity-obsessed culture, and a publishing world dictated by marketing.

The best autobiographies I've read were written by those in their 60’s, 70’s, 80’s or older. In my opinion, Sharon Osbourne should have waited another 20 years, although I'm sure her book is entertaining. I want to read books by people who have actually lived, have seen the world change, have maybe had children, grandchildren, changed careers…. People who have had the time to look back and reflect on their life, not just write a retrospective diary. Or, even better, have it ghost-written. And yet Wayne bloody Rooney gets £5 million for a five-book deal. He’s, what, 21?

So, youngish celebrities, listen up. If you must share your stories, and the tabloid mags won’t interview you often enough, write a blog. Charge for it if money is an incentive – your fans will pay. You’ll save so many trees and with all that writing practice you might even write a decent autobiography in 50 years time.

I'll let Lucie Cave, ghostwriter of Jade Goody's book, have the (almost) last word:

All of these people who emerge from shows like Big Brother now know just how much they can sell their first interview for. They're far more clued-up than ever before. The celebrity autobiography is a natural extension of that. It's become the must-have accessory for anyone who's reached a certain level of fame.

Maybe that's my gripe. I don't want to read an accessory.